Intimacy and sexual experiences are so closely connected with a person’s sense of identity, and so seldom discussed in many religious communities, that they often are the source of tremendous feelings of guilt.

When are these feelings misplaced and when do they serve a constructive purpose?

How should a religious individual manage his experience of guilt?

Is there a way to reframe the experience of shame or guilt in order to create a sense of empowerment?

Join Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn as they tackle these and other timely questions.

Masechet Avoda Zara 17a

אמרו עליו על רבי אלעזר בן דורדיא שלא הניח זונה אחת בעולם שלא בא עליה. פעם אחת שמע שיש זונה אחת בכרכי הים והיתה נוטלת כיס דינרין בשכרה. נטל כיס דינרין והלך ועבר עליה שבעה נהרות. בשעת הרגל דבר הפיחה; אמרה כשם שהפיחה זו אינה חוזרת למקומה כך אלעזר בן דורדיא אין מקבלין אותו בתשובה. הלך וישב בין שני הרים וגבעות אמר הרים וגבעות בקשו עלי רחמים אמרו לו עד שאנו מבקשים עליך נבקש על עצמנו שנאמר, ‘כי ההרים ימושו והגבעות תמוטינה.’ אמר שמים וארץ בקשו עלי רחמים אמרו עד שאנו מבקשים עליך נבקש על עצמנו שנאמר, ‘כי שמים כעשן נמלחו והארץ כבגד תבלה.’ אמר חמה ולבנה בקשו עלי רחמים אמרו לו עד שאנו מבקשים עליך נבקש על עצמנו שנאמר, ‘וחפרה הלבנה ובושה החמה.’ אמר כוכבים ומזלות בקשו עלי רחמים אמרו לו עד שאנו מבקשים עליך נבקש על עצמנו שנאמר, ‘ונמקו כל צבא השמים.’ אמר אין הדבר תלוי אלא בי! הניח ראשו בין ברכיו וגעה בבכיה עד שיצתה נשמתו. יצתה בת קול ואמרה רבי אלעזר בן דורדיא מזומן לחיי העולם הבא… בכה רבי ואמר יש קונה עולמו בכמה שנים ויש קונה עולמו בשעה אחת ואמר רבי לא דיין לבעלי תשובה שמקבלין אותן אלא שקורין אותן רבי.

It was said about Rabbi Eleazar ben Durdaya that there wasn’t a single prostitute in the world with whom he didn’t have intercourse. One time he heard about one prostitute in the islands of the sea who would take a purse of coins as payment. He took a purse of coins, went, and crossed seven rivers to reach her. While they were having sex she passed gas, and said, “Just as this gas won’t return to its place, so Eleazar ben Durdaya will never be accepted as a penitent.” He went and sat between two mountains and hills and said, Mountains and hills, request mercy for me! They answered, before we ask for mercy for you we need to ask it for ourselves… He said, Sky and earth, request mercy for me! They answered, before we ask for mercy for you we need to ask it for ourselves… He said, Sun and moon, request mercy for me! They answered, before we ask for mercy for you we need to ask it for ourselves… He said, Stars and constellations, request mercy for me! They answered, before we ask for mercy for you we need to ask it for ourselves… He then said, the matter is dependent upon me alone. He placed his head between his knees, and cried out in agonized cries until his soul left him. A heavenly voice proclaimed, “Rabbi Eleazar ben Durdaya has earned the life of the World to Come!” Rebbe cried and said, some acquire their world over several years, and there are those who acquire their world in a single hour. Rebbe also said, It’s not enough that penitents are accepted, but they’re even called “Rabbi.”

Forthright and frank, yet respectful and sensitive, I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couples by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribner will help couples enrich their marital and sexual lives, and maintain passion and intimacy within the framework of Jewish tradition.

The Netflix series “Unorthodox” inspired two Intimate Judaism ZOOM panels on female and male sexuality  respectively. But many listeners had further questions about sexual functioning in men-particularly with regard to “performance anxiety”- and asked us to discuss the topic in more detail.

Join Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn in this bonus episode, as they discuss the factors that can contribute to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, and how religious and social pressure can contribute to these conditions.

Support Intimate Judaism by becoming an Intimate Judaism patron on Patron! Go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism   to get exclusive access, merch, and more.

Masechet Yevamot 53b

אנוס דמתניתין היכי דמי? אילימא כשאנסוהו עובדי כוכבים ובא עליה; והאמר רבא אין אונס לערוה לפי שאין קישוי אלא לדעת! אלא בישן; והאמר רב יהודה ישן לא קנה ביבמתו!…

What is the case of [male intercourse] against his will as mentioned in the Mishnah? If you say that he was forced by idolaters and had intercourse with her – but didn’t Rava say that there can be no forcing a man to have illicit sex, as there can be no erection without knowledge! Rather, [the Mishnah must be speaking about ] a man who is sleeping – but didn’t Rav Yehudah say that a sleeping person cannot acquire his brother’s widow [in a case of levirate marriage]!… 

Tosafot, Yevamot 53b, on “There can be no forcing a man to have illicit sex”

אין אונס לערוה שאין קישוי אלא לדעת. אין לפרש במאיימין עליו להורגו אם לא יבא בעצמו על הערוה דאם כן אפילו יש קישוי שלא לדעת תיפוק ליה דאגילוי עריות יהרג ואל יעבור כדאמר בפרק בן סורר אלא איירי כשעובדי כוכבים מדביקים אותו על הערוה ואי אפשר לו להשמט אם לא על ידי שיהרג וקאמר רבא דיש לו למסור עצמו ליהרג אם יודע שאי אפשר לו אם לא יתקשה דאין קישוי אלא לדעת וחשיב כעושה מעשה אבל אם יש קישוי שלא לדעת או שהיה כבר מקושה או שיודע שלא יתקשה אין חייב למסור עצמו כיון שהוא אינו עושה שום מעשה והוי כקרקע עולם כדאמר בבן סורר גבי אסתר דקרקע עולם היתה…

There can be no forcing a man to have illicit sex, as there can be no erection without knowledge. One should not explain this as referring to idolaters threatening him with death if he does not allow himself to have forbidden intercourse… Rather it refers to a case when idolaters physically push him upon the person [who is forbidden to him] and he cannot escape without being killed. Rava says that in this case, he must allow himself to be killed if he knows that he will inevitably have an erection, for there is no erection without knowledge and it is considered like doing an action [rather than remaining passive]. But if he has an erection without knowledge, or if he already had an erection beforehand,  or if he knows that he will not get an erection, he is not obligated to be killed since he is not doing any action, and he is rather like the ground of the earth [i.e., a passive participant], as is said in Masechet Sanhedrin regarding Esther, who was like the ground of the earth…

Chidushei haRamban on Yevamot 53b:

…אלא הא דרבא משכחת לה כגון שתקפתו אשה וקרבתו לעצמה לאונסו, או שדבקו אותו עכו”ם לערוה ואין שם פחד מיתה דכיון דליכא אונס דגופיה אע”פ שדבקום זה לזה ובא עליה חייב, שאלמלא דעתו עליה לא היה אפשר לו לבעול שאין קישוי אלא לדעת.

… Rather, the case of Rava [where a man cannot be “forced” to have sex] occurs in a case such as when a woman brings a man close to her against his will, or when idolaters push him onto a woman forbidden to him – and he has no fear of death, as no one is physically forcing him [i.e., on pain of death] – even though they had intercourse after being physically pushed together, he is nonetheless liable. For if he had not been thinking about this woman [sexually], he could not have had intercourse, for there is no erection that is unwilling. [Meaning, if he had an erection, it is considered a voluntary act.]

Support Intimate Judaism by joining Patreon! While helping to grow the podcast you’ll also gain access to additional episodes, merch, and more. Check it out at https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism.

Forthright and frank, yet respectful and sensitive, I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couples by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribner will help couples enrich their marital and sexual lives, and maintain passion and intimacy within the framework of Jewish tradition.

Men are sexually assertive, they constantly think about and want sex, and their masculinity is determined by the frequency of their sexual conquests and their performance. This stereotype is perpetuated by the media in Western culture. Jewish sources, on the other hand, acknowledge the power of the male sexual drive, but require men to direct this drive exclusively towards marital relations. The expectation to live up to contemporary societal expectations of masculinity, to struggle with forbidden sexual arousal, yet be commanded when appropriate to perform sexually with one’s wife, may contribute to feelings of confusion, frustration, and anxiety.

Join Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn as they lead a panel discussion about male sexuality. They discuss the love/lust split, sex outside of marriage among religious men, mindfulness for the treatment of sexual performance anxiety, creating meaningful and enjoyable sex within marriage, and much more.

Click on the link below to watch the panel discussion on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9jQKng5HWY

Forthright and frank, yet respectful and sensitive, I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couples by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribner will help couples enrich their marital and sexual lives, and maintain passion and intimacy within the framework of Jewish tradition.

Intimate Judaism’s recent ZOOM live panel (https://www.intimatejudaism.com/unorthodox-intimacy-and-authenticity-how-accurate-is-the-netflix-series-portrayal-of-chasidic-intimacy-episode-21/) aroused a great deal of interest and discussion. Many of our listeners wrote in describing their experiences, and in this bonus episode, Brooklyn trauma therapist Chaya Feuerman relates how the messages she received from her own kallah teacher shaped her negative beliefs about sexuality.

Join Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum as they discuss premarital sexual education, wedding night anxiety, what to do about painful sex, and the tension between maintaining cultural sensitivity while promoting sexual health and autonomy.

Forthright and frank, yet respectful and sensitive, I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couples by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribner will help couples enrich their marital and sexual lives, and maintain passion and intimacy within the framework of Jewish tradition.

The Netflix series “Unorthodox” portrays the journey of Esty, a young Satmar Chasidic woman who ultimately leaves her marriage and her community to live a secular life in Berlin. Her marital life with her husband, Yanky, and in particular, their dysfunctional sexual relationship, is fraught with conflict and unhealthy intervention of others. Moreover, Esty is seen as having little autonomy over her body or entitlement to withhold sexual consent.

We invited a panel of experts to discuss some of the topics raised by this series, including sexual autonomy and agency vs. obligation, vaginismus and unconsummated marriage and the state of sexual education in Orthodox and Ultra-Orthodox communities.

Join Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn as they interview Sara Schapiro-Halberstam, Yehudis Fletcher, and Diana Melnick in this fascinating and important panel discussion.

Forthright and frank, yet respectful and sensitive, I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couples by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribner will help couples enrich their marital and sexual lives, and maintain passion and intimacy within the framework of Jewish tradition.

The Coronavirus has affected how we live, how we work, how we congregate and how we experience touch and intimacy. The world at large has had to renegotiate the common norms of social intimacy with distancing measures that are increasing daily.

Meanwhile, couples are faced with a new reality: confinement at home, the need to keep children occupied and help them cope with stress and uncertainty, as well as provide comfort and reassurance to one another.

How do couples navigate their intimate relationships during this time? Midrashic sources point to several times in history where mankind refrained from relations in times of existential crisis , hunger and enslavement. On the other hand, it may be specifically during times of crisis that couples wish to re-affirm their vitality, comfort one another, or even simply relieve tension through sexual relations.

Forthright and frank, yet respectful and sensitive, I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couples by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribner will help couples enrich their marital and sexual lives, and maintain passion and intimacy within the framework of Jewish tradition.

Our sources teach us that lusting after our hearts is prohibited. Yet sexual curiosity, fantasy, and thinking about sex are part of the normative developmental process. Therefore, how do we determine how much is too much and what thoughts and behaviors are problematic? Is what may be “bad for your neshama” like viewing porn, necessarily bad for your mental health, and might the battle to guard one’s eyes and control one’s thoughts actually backfire, leading to obsessional thinking and compulsive behaviors?
Join Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn as they discuss sex addiction, pornography, and compulsive sexual behaviors, as well as identification, prevention, and treatment. Special thanks to Dr. Yaniv Efrati, educator and sex researcher, for his valuable contribution to the discussion.

Bamidbar 15:39

והיה לכם לציצת וראיתם אתו וזכרתם את כל מצות ה’ ועשיתם אתם ולא תתורו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם אשר אתם זנים אחריהם.

“It shall be for you as “tzizit.” You will look at them and recall all of the commandments of G-d and do them; and do not stray after your hearts and after your eyes, after that which you stray.”

Masechet Berachot 12b

דתניא: אחרי לבבכם זו מינות… אחרי עיניכם זה הרהור עבירה, שנאמר “ויאמר שמשון אל אביו אותה קח לי כי היא ישרה בעיני.”

As it says in the Baraita: “After your hearts” refers to apostasy… “After your eyes” refers to thoughts of licentiousness, as the verse states: “Samson said to his father, ‘Take her for me, for she is pleasing in my eyes.’”

Masechet Sotah 8a

[ה]אמר רבא גמירי דאין יצר הרע שולט אלא במה שעיניו רואות.

Rava said: We have a tradition that the evil inclination only rules over that which his eyes see.

Masechet Berachot 24a

אמר רבי יצחק: טפח באשה ערוה. למאי? אילימא לאסתכולי בה – והא אמר רב ששת: למה מנה הכתוב תכשיטין שבחוץ עם תכשיטין שבפנים – לומר לך: כל המסתכל באצבע קטנה של אשה כאילו מסתכל במקום התורף!

Rabbi Yitzchak said that a handbreadth in a woman is licentiousness. To what does this refer? If you say it means looking at her [such that only seeing a handbreadth or more is a halachic violation], didn’t Rav Sheshet say, “Why did the Torah list the adornments worn openly with those worn under the clothes? To teach you that even looking at a woman’s little finger is like looking at the place of obscenity!”

Sefer HaChinuch, Introduction

…והחיוב של אלו לעשותן אינו בכל עת, רק בזמנים ידועים מן השנה או מן היום. חוץ מששה מצוות מהן שחיובן תמידי, לא יפסק מעל האדם אפילו רגע בכל ימיו, ואלו הן: א. להאמין בשם. ב. שלא להאמין זולתו ג. לייחדו. ד. לאהבה אותו. ה. ליראה אותו. ו.שלא לתור אחר מחשבת הלב וראיית העינים.

The obligation regarding [the preceding mitzvot] is not to do them at all times, but rather at specific moments during the year or the day. The exception is six mitzvot which are constantly obligatory, and they should not leave a person even for a moment of his life. They are: 1. To believe in G-d. 2. Not to believe in another god. 3. To accept his Oneness. 4. To love Him. 5. To fear Him. 6. Not to follow after the thoughts of the heart and the vision of the eyes.

Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 387

וכמו כן שלא ירדוף האדם אחר מראה עיניו, ובכלל זה שלא לרדוף אחר תאוות העולם הזה…

In the same way, a person should not chase after the sight of his eyes, and included in this is not chasing the desires of this world…

Chayei Adam 1:5

שלא לתור אחר מחשבת הלב וראיית העינים שנאמר ולא תתורו אחרי לבבכם וכו’ ואמרו חכמים אחרי לבבכם זו מינות ואחרי עיניכם זו זנות… ובכלל זנות הוא כל תאות העולם הזה, שאם יסיח דעתו למלאות תאותו בדבר אחד, ימשוך מזה שלעולם יתאוה לה.

[One should not] follow after the thoughts of the heart and the vision of the eyes, as the verse states, “Do not stray after your hearts and after your eyes” etc. The Sages said that “after your hearts” refers to apostasy, and “after your eyes” refers to licentiousness… And included in licentiousness are all of the desires of this world, for if a person turns his mind to fulfilling his desires in one thing, he will be drawn after it such that he will always desire it.

Forthright and frank, yet respectful and sensitive, I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couples by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribner will help couples enrich their marital and sexual lives, and maintain passion and intimacy within the framework of Jewish tradition.

Is sexual pleasure considered an important value in Judaism? What place does sex for pleasure have in a healthy marriage?  Join Talli and Scott for a frank and open discussion about these and many other questions.

Bereshit 4:1:

 והאדם ידע את חוה אשתו…

“The man (Adam) knew his wife Chava…”

Rashi on Bereshit 4:1:

והאדם ידע: כבר קודם הענין של מעלה קודם שחטא ונטרד מגן עדן; וכן ההריון והלידה. שאם כתב “וידע אדם” נשמע שלאחר שנטרד היו לו בנים.

The man (Adam) knew: Already, before the preceding story – before he sinned and was banished from the Garden of Eden; and the pregnancy and birth are the same [i.e., took place before the sin and subsequent banishment from the Garden of Eden]. For if it had written, “The man knew” [with different Hebrew syntax] it would have implied that he had children after he was banished. [Because the syntax is not like this, the implication is that the children were born in the Garden of Eden.]

Bereshit 26:8:

ויהי כי ארכו לו שם הימים וישקף אבימלך מלך פלשתים בעד החלון וירא והנה יצחק מצחק את רבקה אשתו.

“After he [Yitzchak] had been there for a long time, Avimelech, the king of the Pelishtim, looked out of his window, and he saw – behold! Yitzchak was intimate with his wife, Rivka.”

Rashi on Bereshit 26:8:

 יוישקף אבימלך וגו’: ראהו משמש מטתו.

Avimelech… looked out etc.: He saw him having intercourse.

Shmot 21:10:

אם אחרת יקח לו שארה כסותה וענתה לא יגרע.

“If he takes another wife, he may not avoid giving her [i.e., the first wife] food, clothing, and sexual intimacy.”

Mishnah Ketubot 5:6:

העונה האמורה בתורה: הטיילין בכל יום. הפועלים שתים בשבת. החמרים אחת בשבת. I הגמלים אחת לשלושים יום. הספנים אחת לששה חדשים דברי רבי אליעזר.

The conjugal requirement of the Torah: people who don’t work – daily; workers – twice a week; donkey drivers – once a week; camel drivers – once every thirty days; sailors – once every six months; this is the opinion of Rabbi Eliezer.

Masechet Ketubot 62b:

עונה של תלמידי חכמים אימת אמר רב יהודה אמר שמואל מע”ש לע”ש (תהלים א, ג) אשר פריו יתן בעתו אמר רב יהודה ואיתימא רב הונא ואיתימא רב נחמן זה המשמש מטתו מע”ש לע”ש.

When does the conjugal requirement for scholars take place? Rav Yehuda says in the name of Shmuel: on Friday nights. “Which gives its fruit in the proper time” (Tehillim 1:3) – Rav Yehuda or perhaps Rav Huna or perhaps Rav Nachman says: this verse refers to a person who has sexual intimacy on Friday nights.

Igrot Moshe (R. Moshe Feinstein) Even HaEzer 3:28:

ולענ”ד היה נראה דעיקר העונה הוא בשעה שרואה הבעל שהיא משתוקקת אל בעלה שלכן אמר רבא בפסחים דף ע”ב חייב אדם לשמח את אשתו בדבר מצוה שפרש”י אפילו שלא בשעת עונתה…על כל פנים כיון דחזינן שמה שהאשה מתאוית ומשתוקקת עושה חיוב עונה מדאורייתא, מסתבר שזהו חיוב העונה שבתורה.”

And in my humble opinion, it seems that the main obligation of conjugal relations is when a husband sees that [his wife]  is longing for him; for this reason Rava said in Masechet Pesachim 72, “A man is obligated to give joy to his wife in the matter of a mitzvah [i.e., have intercourse with her], which Rashi explains means even when it is not the required time… In any case, since we have seen that the wife’s desire and longing create the obligation of conjuugal relations on a Torah level, it is sensible that this is, indeed, the Biblical requirement of conjugal relations.”

Rav Joseph B. Soloveitchik, “The Redemption of Sexual Life” in Family Redeemed (p. 94):

This eternal quest of the unique, lonely individual to flee his solitude and to share his personal existence with others, finds fulfillment via a carnal medium. G-d, somehow, employs the flesh as the instrument of His will in order to enable a metaphysical craving to become a reality.

Rabbi Dov Linzer, “Two Approaches to Marital Sex”: https://library.yctorah.org/2009/12/two-approaches-to-marital-sex/

Forthright and frank, yet respectful and sensitive, I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couples by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribner will help couples enrich their marital and sexual lives, and maintain passion and intimacy within the framework of Jewish tradition.

Outercourse refers to sexual activity without intercourse. Couples may want to engage this way to experience alternative lovemaking options, or may need to because intercourse is painful or uncomfortable.

Does Jewish law permit couples to choose what they do in the bedroom, even if it consciously involves extra-vaginal ejaculation?

Join Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn as they respectfully discuss, and at times debate, this sensitive topic.

Rambam Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Isurei Biah 21:9:

אשתו של אדם מותרת היא לו. לפיכך כל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות באשתו עושה. בועל בכל עת שירצה ומנשק בכל אבר שירצה ובא עליה בין כדרכה בין שלא כדרכה בין דרך אברים ובלבד שלא יוציא שכבת זרע לבטלה. ואף על פי כן מדת חסידות שלא יקל אדם את ראשו לכך ושיקדש עצמו בשעת תשמיש…

A man’s wife is permitted to him. Therefore, whatever a man wants to do with his wife, he may do. He may have intercourse anytime he wants, kiss any part of her body, and have intercourse vaginally, anally, or “by way of her limbs” [as long as he does not spill seed for no purpose].  Nonetheless, it is an attribute of piety that a person should not act lightheartedly in these matters, and that he should sanctify himself during marital relations…

This is the text found in most versions of the Mishneh Torah today. However, as mentioned on the podcast, most early manuscripts of the Mishneh Torah do not include the bracketed words.

Raavad Baalei HaNefesh, Shaar HaKedushah:

 ומה שאמר רבי יוחנן אין הלכה כרבי יוחנן בן דהבאי אלא כל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות באשתו עושה משל לדג הבא מן הצייד וכו’, דמשמע שמותר לעשות כן לכתחילה, נראה לי שאינו אלא על הפיכת השולחן בלבד.

And Rabbi Yochanan’s statement that the law is not like Rabbi Yochanan ben Dahavai, but instead that whatever a man wants to do with his wife, he may do, similar to a fish brought by the fisherman etc., which implies that it is fully permitted to do this – it seems to me that this only refers to “upturning the table” (i.e., vaginal intercourse performed in atypical positions) alone. 

Please listen to Intimate Judaism Episode 8 – “Sex Within Marriage: What’s Allowed and What’s Not?” for a more extensive discussion of the original Gemara cited by the Raavad, and a fuller explanation of the disagreement of the Raavad and the Rambam.

Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer 25:2:

(המחבר): לא יקל ראשו עם אשתו ולא ינבל פיו בדברי הבאי אפילו בינו לבינה. הרי הכתוב אומר “מגיד לאדם מה שיחו.” אמרו חז”ל אפילו שיחה קלה שבין אדם לאשתו עתיד ליתן עליה את הדין. ולא יספר עמה בשעת תשמיש ולא קודם לכן כדי שלא יתן דעתו באשה אחרת, ואם סיפר עמה ושימש מיד, עליו נאמר “מגיד לאדם מה שיחו.” אבל בענייני תשמיש יכול לספר עמה כדי להרבות תאותו, או אם היה לו כעס עמה וצריך לרצותה שתתפייס יכול לספר עמה כדי לרצותה. 

הגה (הרמ”א): ויכול לעשות עם אשתו מה שירצה, בועל בכל עת שירצה ומנשק בכל אבר שירצה ובא עליה בין כדרכה בין שלא כדרכה או דרך איברים ובלבד שלא יוציא זרע לבטלה (טור). ויש מקילין ואומרים שמותר שלא כדרכה אפילו אם הוציא זרע אם עושה באקראי ואינו רגיל בכך (גם זה טור בשם ר”י) ואף על פי שמותר בכל אלה, כל המקדש עצמו במותר לו קדוש יאמרו לו (דברי הרב).

A person should not act lightheaded with his wife, and should not speak inappropriate talk, even between the two of them. Indeed, the verse says, “He tells a man about his speech.” Our sages said that a person will be brought to judgment even for small talk between him and his wife. He should not speak to her at the time of intercourse nor beforehand, so that he doesn’t think about another woman; and if he does speak to her and have intercourse immediately afterwards – the verse “He tells a man about his speech” refers to him. However, he is allowed to talk to her regarding matters of intimacy, in order to increase his desire; or if he were angry with her and wants to appease her, he may speak to her to calm her down.

Note (Rama): He may do what he wants with his wife: he may have intercourse anytime he wants, kiss any part of her body, and have intercourse vaginally, anally, or “by way of her limbs”- as long as he does not waste seed for no purpose. And there are those who are lenient, saying that anal intercourse is permitted even if he spills seed for no purpose, if it’s done occasionally and he is not accustomed to doing it. Nonetheless, even though all these are permitted, anyone who sanctifies himself by refraining from doing that which is permitted is called a holy person.

Aruch HaShulchan Even HaEzer 25:11:

לפיכך אף על גב דקיימא לן דכל מה שאדם רוצה לעשות באשתו עושה כשהיא טהורה: בועל בכל עת שירצה ומנשק בכל אבר שירצה ובא עליה בין כדרכה ובין שלא כדרכה או דרך אברים ובלבד שלא יוציא זרע לבטלה, מכל מקום השם אורחותיו אין לו לעשות כן, אלא ישמש במקום שראוי ליזרע ולהוליד, דאי אפשר להזהר שלא יוציא זרע לבטלה וכמה חמור עון זה. ואף שיש מקילים גם בכי האי גוונא כשעושה באקראי ואינו רגיל בכך, אבל קשה לומר כן ושומר נפשו ירחק מזה, וכל המקדש עצמו במותר לו קדוש יאמר לו.

Therefore, even though we have established that whatever a man wants to do with his wife, he may do when she is in a state of purity – he may have intercourse anytime he wants, kiss any part of her body, and have intercourse vaginally, anally, or “by way of her limbs”- as long as he does not spill seed for no purpose – nevertheless, someone who is careful about his practices should not do this; rather he should have intercourse in the place on her body where it is possible that she will conceive and from which she gives birth, for it is impossible that otherwise he will not spill seed for no purpose, and this is a very serious sin. Although there are those who are lenient also in this matter when it is done occasionally and he is not accustomed to doing it – it nonetheless is difficult to say this and a person who guards his soul will distance himself from it, and anyone who sanctifies himself by refraining from doing that which is permitted is called a holy person.

Shapiro, Yaakov: Halachic Positions: What Judaism Really Says About Passion in the Marital Bed. 2015.

https://www.amazon.com/Halachic-Positions-Sexuality-Balanced-Approach/dp/0692563237/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1543840369&sr=1-1-catcorr

Talli Rosenbaum’s review of Halachic Positions:

http://tallirosenbaum.com/en/node/255

Four part interview with Rabbi Yaakov Shapiro on the “Orthodox Conundrum” podcast:

http://jewishcoffeehouse.com/episode-3-correcting-a-basic-misunderstanding-about-judaism-and-sexuality/

http://jewishcoffeehouse.com/episode-4-exploring-the-six-primary-talmudic-texts-dealing-with-sexuality/

http://jewishcoffeehouse.com/episode-5-is-non-vaginal-intercourse-permissible/

http://jewishcoffeehouse.com/episode-6-halachot-of-sexuality-wasting-seed-and-the-influence-of-the-zohar/

הרב דוד סתיו והרב אברהם סתיו: אבוא ביתך: שאלות ותשובות בנושא זוגיות ומשפחה. ספרי מגיד, הוצאת קורן 2017.

“I am his vessel”: Influence of male ejaculatory restrictions on women’s sexual autonomy in Orthodox Jewish marriages, by Talli Y. Rosenbaum, MSc

(This article was originally published in Hebrew in Kolech: Women and Her Judaism, Jerusalem, Israel 2012)

“I am his vessel”: Influence of male ejaculatory restrictions on women’s sexual autonomy in Orthodox Jewish marriages.

הרב יצחק רונס: “מגע פיזי בין בני זוג נשואים ללא ביאה”, אסיא צז-צח, תשע”ה, 134-140

https://bit.ly/33IwVi6