Shomer Negiah: Navigating Premarital Sexual Activity and Jewish Law and Values Episode 4

As human beings, we are wired for connection, and the desire for intimate touch is a natural instinct. However, Jewish Law is clear that premarital sexual activity, even when it doesn’t involve sexual intercourse, is forbidden. How do we manage that tension? Do we acknowledge that the halachot of refraining from touching the opposite gender are not universally observed, and discuss openly which prohibitions are Torah law and which are Rabbinic enactments so that individuals can choose to “lessen” the prohibition? Will that be understood as tacit sanctioning of premarital touching? ย How do we impart our values without creating feelings of guilt and conflict about sexuality? What are the keys to discussing premarital sexual activity with Orthodox Jews in an honest and healthy manner? Join Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn for a fascinating and frank discussion of these important religious and educational issues.

 

Sex outside the context of marriage: Torah or Rabbinic prohibition?

Rambam Sefer HaMitzvot Lo Taaseh 355 – Torah Prohibition

ื”ื–ื”ื™ืจ ืฉืœื ืœื‘ื ืขืœ ืืฉื” ื‘ืœื ื›ืชื•ื‘ื” ื•ืงื“ื•ืฉื™ืŸ, ื•ื”ื•ื ืืžืจื• ืœื ืชื”ื™ื” ืงื“ืฉื” ืžื‘ื ื•ืช ื™ืฉืจืืœ. ื•ื›ื‘ืจ ื ื›ืคืœื” ื”ืื–ื”ืจื” ื‘ื–ื” ื”ืขื ื™ืŸ ื‘ืœืฉื•ืŸ ืื—ืจ, ื•ื”ื•ื ืืžืจื• ืืœ ืชื—ืœืœ ืืช ื‘ืชืš ืœื”ื–ื ื•ืชื”. ื•ืœืฉื•ืŸ ืกืคืจื™ ืืœ ืชื—ืœืœ ืืช ื‘ืชืš ืœื”ื–ื ื•ืชื” ื–ื” ื”ืžื•ืกืจ ื‘ืชื• ืคื ื•ื™ื” ืฉืœื ืœืฉื ืื™ืฉื•ืช, ื•ื›ืŸ ื”ืžื•ืกืจืช ืขืฆืžื” ืฉืœื ืœืฉื ืื™ืฉื•ืชโ€ฆ ื•ื–ื” ื”ืœืื• ื›ืœื•ืžืจ ืœืื• ื“ืคื ื•ื™ื” ืœื•ืงื™ืŸ ืขืœื™ื•.

 

Mishneh Torah Hilchot Isurei Biah 18:2 – Torah prohibition:

ื•ื›ืŸ ื”ื‘ื ืขืœ ื”ืคื ื•ื™ื” ืืคื™ืœื• ื”ื™ืชื” ืงื“ืฉื” ืฉื”ืคืงื™ืจื” ืขืฆืžื” ืœื›ืœ ืืข”ืค ืฉื”ื™ื ื‘ืžืœืงื•ืช ืœื ื ืขืฉืช ื–ื•ื ื” ื•ืœื ื ืคืกืœื” ืžืŸ ื”ื›ื”ื•ื ื” ืฉื”ืจื™ ืื™ื ื” ืืกื•ืจื” ืœื”ื ืฉื ืœื•…

 

Mishneh Torah Hilchot Ishut 1:4 – Torah prohibition:

ืงื•ื“ื ืžืชืŸ ืชื•ืจื” ื”ื™ื” ืื“ื ืคื•ื’ืข ืืฉื” ื‘ืฉื•ืง ืื ืจืฆื” ื”ื•ื ื•ื”ื™ื ื ื•ืชืŸ ืœื” ืฉื›ืจื” ื•ื‘ื•ืขืœ ืื•ืชื” ืขืœ ืื ื”ื“ืจืš ื•ื”ื•ืœืš. ื•ื–ื• ื”ื™ื ื”ื ืงืจืืช ืงื“ืฉื”. ืžืฉื ืชื ื” ื”ืชื•ืจื” ื ืืกืจื” ื”ืงื“ืฉื” ืฉื ืืžืจ ืœื ืชื”ื™ื” ืงื“ืฉื” ืžื‘ื ื•ืช ื™ืฉืจืืœ. ืœืคื™ื›ืš ื›ืœ ื”ื‘ื•ืขืœ ืืฉื” ืœืฉื ื–ื ื•ืช ื‘ืœื ืงื™ื“ื•ืฉื™ืŸ ืœื•ืงื” ืžืŸ ื”ืชื•ืจื” ืœืคื™ ืฉื‘ืขืœ ืงื“ืฉื”.

 

Hasagot HaRaavad Ishut 1:4 – Rabbinic prohibition:

ืื•ืžืจ ืื‘ืจื”ื: ืื™ืŸ ืงื“ืฉื” ืืœื ืžื–ื•ืžื ืช ื•ื”ื™ื ื”ืžื•ืคืงืจืช ืœื›ืœ ืื“ื ืื‘ืœ ื”ืžื™ื™ื—ื“ืช ืขืฆืžื” ืœืื™ืฉ ืื—ื“ ืื™ืŸ ื‘ื” ืœื ืžืœืงื•ืช ื•ืœื ืื™ืกื•ืจ ืœืื• ื•ื”ื™ื ื”ืคื™ืœื’ืฉ ื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื” ื‘ืคืกื•ืง ื•ื‘ืขืœื™ ื”ืœืฉื•ืŸ ื“ื•ืจืฉื™ืŸ ืคื™ืœื’ืฉ ืžืœื” ื”ืคื•ื›ื” ื•ืžื•ืจื›ื‘ืช ื‘ืคื™ ืฉื’ืœ ืขื•ืžื“ืช ืœืคืจืงื™ื ืœืžืฉื’ืœ ืžืฉืžืฉืช ืืช ื”ื‘ื™ืช ื•ืคืขืžื™ื ืœืžืฉื›ื‘. ื•ื™ืฉ ืกืคืจื™ื ืฉื›ืชื•ื‘ ื‘ื”ื ืคื™ืœื’ืฉื™ื ืงื™ื“ื•ืฉื™ืŸ ื‘ืœื ื›ืชื•ื‘ื”. ืžื›ืœ ืžืงื•ื ืื™ืŸ ืื™ืกื•ืจ ืœืื• ืืœื ื‘ืžื–ืžื ืช ืขืฆืžื” ืœื›ืœ ืื“ืโ€ฆ

Hasagot HaRamban lโ€™Sefer HaMitzvot Lo Taaseh 355 – Rabbinic prohibition:

…ืื‘ืœ [ื“ื‘ืจื™ ื”ืจืžื‘”ื] ื‘ื›ืชื•ื‘ื” ื•ืงื“ื•ืฉื™ืŸ ืื™ื ื• ืืžืช, ืฉื”ื›ืชื•ื‘ื” ืื™ื ื” ืžืŸ ื”ืชื•ืจื” ื›ืœืœ, ื•ื”ืงื“ื•ืฉื™ืŸ ืžืฆื•ื” ื•ืงื ื™ืŸ ื‘ืืฉื”. ืื‘ืœ ืื ื—ื ื• ื”ืชื ื™ื ื• ื‘ืขื ื™ืŸ ื”ืœืื• ื”ื–ื” ืฉืชื”ื™ื” ื”ืžื ื™ืขื” ื‘ื‘ื™ืื” ืืกื•ืจื” ืฉืื™ืŸ ืงื“ื•ืฉื™ืŸ ืชื•ืคืกื™ืŸ ื‘ื”ืŸ, ืฉื›ื‘ืจ ื ืชื‘ืืจ ื‘ื“ื‘ืจื™ื”ื ืฉืื™ืŸ ื–ื•ื ื” ื‘ื›ืœ ืžืงื•ื ื‘ืชื•ืจื” ื‘ื›ื”ืŸ ื•ืืชื ืŸ ืืœื ื‘ืื™ืกื•ืจื™ ื”ื‘ื™ืื” ืฉืื™ืŸ ื‘ื”ื ืงื“ื•ืฉื™ืŸ, ื•ื›ืŸ ื”ื–ื›ื™ืจื• ื‘ื›ืœ ืœืฉื•ืŸ ื–ื ื•ืช ืฉื‘ื ื‘ืชื•ืจื”. ืื ื›ืŸ ืืœ ืชื—ืœืœ ืืช ื‘ืชืš ืœื”ื–ื ื•ืชื” ื™ื–ื”ื™ืจ ืžื–ื”โ€ฆ ืืกืจ [ืขืœ ื”ืื‘] ืœืžื›ืจื” ืœืžื™ ืฉืื™ืŸ ืงื“ื•ืฉื™ืŸ ืฉืœื• ืชื•ืคืกื™ืŸ ื‘ื”, ื•ื›ืŸ ื’ื ื›ืŸ ืœืื• ื”ืงื“ืฉื” ื›ืš ื”ื•ื.

Mishneh Torah Hilchot Isurei Biah 12:1-2 – Qualification of Rambamโ€™s Torah prohibition:

ื: ื™ืฉืจืืœ ืฉื‘ืขืœ ืขื›ื•”ื ืžืฉืืจ ื”ืื•ืžื•ืช ื“ืจืš ืื™ืฉื•ืช ืื• ื™ืฉืจืืœื™ืช ืฉื ื‘ืขืœื” ืœืขื›ื•”ื ื“ืจืš ืื™ืฉื•ืช ื”ืจื™ ืืœื• ืœื•ืงื™ืŸ ืžืŸ ื”ืชื•ืจื” ืฉื ืืžืจ ืœื ืชืชื—ืชืŸ ื‘ื ื‘ืชืš ืœื ืชืชืŸ ืœื‘ื ื• ื•ื‘ืชื• ืœื ืชืงื— ืœื‘ื ืš ืื—ื“ ืฉื‘ืขื” ืขืžืžื™ืŸ ื•ืื—ื“ ื›ืœ ืื•ืžื•ืช ื‘ืื™ืกื•ืจ ื–ื” ื•ื›ืŸ ืžืคื•ืจืฉ ืขืœ ื™ื“ื™ ืขื–ืจื ื•ืืฉืจ ืœื ื ืชืŸ ื‘ื ื•ืชื™ื ื• ืœืขืžื™ ื”ืืจืฅ ื•ืืช ื‘ื ื•ืชื™ื”ื ืœื ื ืงื— ืœื‘ื ื™ื ื•.

ื‘: ืœื ืืกืจื” ืชื•ืจื” ืืœื ื“ืจืš ื—ืชื ื•ืช ืื‘ืœ ื”ื‘ื ืขืœ ื”ื›ื•ืชื™ืช ื“ืจืš ื–ื ื•ืช ืžื›ื™ืŸ ืื•ืชื• ืžื›ืช ืžืจื“ื•ืช ืžื“ื‘ืจื™ ืกื•ืคืจื™ื ื’ื–ื™ืจื” ืฉืžื ื™ื‘ื ืœื”ืชื—ืชืŸ ื•ืื ื™ื™ื—ื“ื” ืœื• ื‘ื–ื ื•ืช ื—ื™ื™ื‘ ืขืœื™ื” ืžืฉื•ื ื ื“ื” ื•ืžืฉื•ื ืฉืคื—ื” ื•ืžืฉื•ื ื›ื•ืชื™ืช ื•ืžืฉื•ื ื–ื•ื ื” ื•ืื ืœื ื™ื™ื—ื“ื” ืœื• ืืœื ื ืงืจืืช ืžืงืจื” ืื™ื ื• ื—ื™ื™ื‘ ืืœื ืžืฉื•ื ื›ื•ืชื™ืช ื•ื›ืœ ื—ื™ื•ื‘ื™ืŸ ืืœื• ืžื“ื‘ืจื™ื”ืŸ.

What is the halachic definition of sexual intercourse?

Mishneh Torah Hilchot Isurei Biah 1:10-11:

ื™: ื”ืžื›ื ื™ืก ืจืืฉ ื”ืขื˜ืจื” ื‘ืœื‘ื“ ื”ื•ื ื”ื ืงืจื ืžืขืจื” ืžืœืฉื•ืŸ ืืช ืžืงื•ืจื” ื”ืขืจื” ื•ื”ืžื›ื ื™ืก ื›ืœ ื”ืื‘ืจ ื”ื•ื ื”ื ืงืจื ื’ื•ืžืจ ื•ื‘ื›ืœ ื”ื‘ื™ืื•ืช ื”ืืกื•ืจื•ืช ืื—ื“ ื”ืžืขืจื” ื•ืื—ื“ ื”ื’ื•ืžืจ ื•ืืข”ืค ืฉืœื ื”ื•ืฆื™ื ืฉื›ื‘ืช ื–ืจืข ื•ืืฃ ืขืœ ืคื™ ืฉืคื™ืจืฉ ื•ืœื ื’ืžืจ ื›ื™ื•ืŸ ืฉื”ื›ื ื™ืก ืจืืฉ ื”ืขื˜ืจื” ื ืชื—ื™ื™ื‘ื• ืฉื ื™ื”ื ืžื™ืชืช ื‘”ื“ ืื• ื›ืจืช ืื• ืžืœืงื•ืช ืื• ืžื›ืช ืžืจื“ื•ืช ื•ืื—ื“ ื”ื‘ื ืขืœ ื”ืขืจื•ื” ื›ื“ืจื›ื” ื•ืื—ื“ ื”ื‘ื ืขืœื™ื” ืฉืœื ื›ื“ืจื›ื” ืžืฉื™ืขืจื” ื‘ื” ื™ืชื—ื™ื™ื‘ื• ืฉื ื™ื”ืŸ ืžื™ืชื” ืื• ื›ืจืช ืื• ืžืœืงื•ืช ืื• ืžื›ืช ืžืจื“ื•ืช ื‘ื™ืŸ ืฉื”ื™ื• ืฉื•ื›ื‘ื™ืŸ ื‘ื™ืŸ ืฉื”ื™ื• ืขื•ืžื“ื™ื ืขืœ ื”ื›ื ืกืช ื”ืขื˜ืจื” ื”ื•ื ื”ื—ื™ื•ื‘.

ื™ื: ื›ืœ ื”ื‘ื ื‘ื™ืื” ืืกื•ืจื” ื‘ืœื ืงื™ืฉื•ื™ ืืœื ืฉื”ื™ื” ื”ืื‘ืจ ืฉืœื• ืžื“ื•ืœื“ืœ ื›ืžื• ืื‘ืจ ื”ืžืชื™ื ื›ื’ื•ืŸ ื”ื—ื•ืœื™ื ืื• ืžื™ ืฉื ื•ืœื“ ื›ืš ื›ื’ื•ืŸ ืกืจื™ืก ื—ืžื” ืืฃ ืขืœ ืคื™ ืฉื”ื›ื ื™ืก ืืช ื”ืื‘ืจ ื‘ื™ื“ื• ืื™ื ื• ื—ื™ื™ื‘ ืœื ื›ืจืช ื•ืœื ืžืœืงื•ืช ื•ืื™ืŸ ืฆืจื™ืš ืœื•ืžืจ ืžื™ืชื” ืฉืื™ืŸ ื–ื• ื‘ื™ืื” ืื‘ืœ ืคื•ืกืœ ื”ื•ื ืžืŸ ื”ืชืจื•ืžื” ื•ื‘ื™ืช ื“ื™ืŸ ืžื›ื™ืŸ ืืช ืฉื ื™ื”ื ืžื›ืช ืžืจื“ื•ืช.

 

Sexual Touching outside the context of marriage: Torah or Rabbinic prohibition?

 

Rambam Sefer HaMitzvot Lo Taaseh 353 – Torah prohibition:

ื”ื–ื”ื™ืจ ืžื”ืงืจื‘ ืืœ ืื—ืช ืžื”ืขืจื™ื•ืช ื”ืืœื• ื•ืืคื™ืœื• ื‘ืœื ื‘ื™ืื” ื›ื’ื•ืŸ ื—ื‘ื•ืง ื•ื ืฉื™ืงื” ื•ื”ื“ื•ืžื” ืœื”ื ืžืŸ ื”ืคืขื•ืœื•ืช ื”ื–ืจื•ืช, ื•ื”ื•ื ืืžืจื• ื‘ืื–ื”ืจื” ืžื–ื” ืื™ืฉ ืื™ืฉ ืืœ ื›ืœ ืฉืืจ ื‘ืฉืจื• ืœื ืชืงืจื‘ื• ืœื’ืœื•ืช ืขืจื•ื”, ื›ืื™ืœื• ื™ืืžืจ ืœื ืชืงืจื‘ื• ืฉื•ื ืงื™ืจื•ื‘ ืฉื™ื‘ื™ื ืœื’ืœื•ืช ืขืจื•ื”. ื•ืœืฉื•ืŸ ืกืคืจื ืœื ืชืงืจื‘ื• ืœื’ืœื•ืช ืขืจื•ื” ืื™ืŸ ืœื™ ืืœื ืฉืœื ื™ื’ืœื” ืžื ื™ืŸ ืฉืœื ื™ืงืจื‘ ืชืœืžื•ื“ ืœื•ืžืจ ื•ืืœ ืืฉื” ื‘ื ื“ืช ื˜ื•ืžืืชื” ืœื ืชืงืจื‘, ืื™ืŸ ืœื™ ืืœื ื ื“ื” ืฉื”ื™ื ื‘ื‘ืœ ืชืงืจื‘ ื•ื‘ืœ ืชื’ืœื” ืžื ื™ืŸ ืœื›ืœ ื”ืขืจื™ื•ืช ืฉื”ืŸ ื‘ื‘ืœ ืชืงืจื‘ื• ื•ื‘ืœ ืชื’ืœื• ืชืœืžื•ื“ ืœื•ืžืจ ืœื ืชืงืจื‘ื• ืœื’ืœื•ืช, ื•ืฉื ืืžืจื• ื•ื ื›ืจืชื• ื”ื ืคืฉื•ืช ื”ืขื•ืฉื•ืช ืžื” ืชืœืžื•ื“ ืœื•ืžืจ ืœืคื™ ืฉื ืืžืจ ืœื ืชืงืจื‘ื• ื™ื›ื•ืœ ื™ื”ื™ื• ื—ื™ื™ื‘ื™ื ื›ืจืช ืขืœ ื”ืงืจื™ื‘ื” ืชืœืžื•ื“ ืœื•ืžืจ ื”ืขื•ืฉื•ืช ื•ืœื ื”ืงืจื‘ื•ืช.

 

Mishneh Torah Hilchot Isurei Biah 21:1 – Torah prohibition:

ื›ืœ ื”ื‘ื ืขืœ ืขืจื•ื” ืžืŸ ื”ืขืจื™ื•ืช ื“ืจืš ืื™ื‘ืจื™ื ืื• ืฉื—ื‘ืง ื•ื ืฉืง ื“ืจืš ืชืื•ื” ื•ื ื”ื ื” ื‘ืงืจื•ื‘ ื‘ืฉืจ ื”ืจื™ ื–ื” ืœื•ืงื” ืžืŸ ื”ืชื•ืจื” ืฉื ืืžืจ ืœื‘ืœืชื™ ืขืฉื•ืช ืžื—ืงื•ืช ื”ืชื•ืขื‘ื•ืช ื•ื’ื•’ ื•ื ืืžืจ ืœื ืชืงืจื‘ื• ืœื’ืœื•ืช ืขืจื•ื” ื›ืœื•ืžืจ ืœื ืชืงืจื‘ื• ืœื“ื‘ืจื™ื ื”ืžื‘ื™ืื™ืŸ ืœื™ื“ื™ ื’ื™ืœื•ื™ ืขืจื•ื”.

 

In several places, the Rambam includes a woman who is in a state of Nidah in the category of arayot. Since his understanding of the Torah prohibition means that a man may not touch all โ€œarayot,โ€ this would include all women who are in a state of Nidah. However, the Torah prohibition seemingly would not extend to single men and women, otherwise permissible to each other, touching when the woman is not in a state of Nidah. Even according to the Rambam, this would seem to be a Rabbinic prohibition rather than a Torah law.

 

Hasagot HaRamban lโ€™Sefer HaMitzvot Lo Taaseh 353 – Rabbinic prohibition:

ื•ื”ื ื” ื”ืจื‘ ืžืฆื ื”ื‘ืจื™ื™ืชื ื”ื–ื• ื”ืžืคื•ืจืฉืช ื•ืชืœื” ื“ื‘ืจื™ื• ื‘ืื™ืœืŸ ื’ื“ื•ืœ, ืื‘ืœ ื›ืคื™ ื”ืขื™ื•ืŸ ื‘ืชืœืžื•ื“ ืื™ืŸ ื”ื“ื‘ืจ ื›ืŸ ืฉื™ื”ื™ื” ื‘ืงืจื™ื‘ื” ืฉืื™ืŸ ื‘ื” ื’ืœื•ื™ ืขืจื•ื” ื›ื’ื•ืŸ ื—ื‘ื•ืง ื•ื ืฉื•ืง ืœืื• ื•ืžืœืงื•ืชโ€ฆ ื•ื›ื™ื•ืŸ ืฉืœื ืขืฉื• ื›ืŸ ื ื‘ื™ืŸ ืžื”ื ื›ื™ ืืฆืœื ื–ื” ื”ืื™ืกื•ืจ ืžื“ืจื‘ื ืŸ, ืื• ื™ื”ื™ื” ืžืŸ ื”ืชื•ืจื” ื“ื›ืœ ื“ืžืชื”ื ื™ ืžืื™ืกื•ืจื ืืกื•ืจื ื”ื•ื ื›ืขื ื™ืŸ ื‘ื—ืฆื™ ืฉื™ืขื•ืจ. ืื‘ืœ ืื™ืŸ ื–ื” ืขื™ืงืจ ืžื“ืจืฉ ื‘ืœืื• ื”ื–ื” ืืœื ืงืจื ืืกืžื›ืชื ื‘ืขืœืžื ื•ื”ืจื‘ื” ืžืื“ ื›ืŸ ื‘ืกื™ืคืจื ื•ื‘ืกื™ืคืจื™.

 

As human beings, we are wired for connection. When we connect emotionally with a member of the opposite sex, and experience attraction, and/or affection, the desire for intimate touch is a natural instinct. In society at large, this desire is understood to be moderated by social rules that include determining availability, and mutual consent and should include communication about boundaries and prevention of pregnancy when applicable. According to Jewish law, however, premarital sexual activity, even when it doesn’t involve sexual intercourse, is strictly forbidden. This can result in an inner conflict. ย We are committed to observe the laws but struggle, and sometimes fail, with refraining from all touch which can feel awkward and unnatural. This tension between human longing and restrictions in behavior is at the core of what being an observant Jew is about. Yet, the paradigm of this power struggle, particularly when the desire side wins out, as it often does, may fail to address the important issues of boundaries, mutuality, consent and birth control, as well as relate to the โ€œdegreesโ€ of religious prohibition involved. In this episode, we talk about the keys to discussing premarital sexual activity with Orthodox Jews in an honest and healthy manner.

 

Forthright and frank, yet respectful and sensitive,ย I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couplesย by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribnerย will help couples enrich their marital and sexual lives, and maintain passion and intimacy within the framework of Jewish tradition.

To order your copy ofย ย I Am for My Belovedย click here:

 

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